Some Orlando Magic fans, and a whole lot of non-Magic fans likely don't realize this, but Orlando's upper management has been known, in the past, to do somethings that were, to put it bluntly, bafflingly insane. This is a team after all that traded Anderson Varejao and Drew Gooden for Tony Battie.

But the team has never done anything quite as bafflingly crazy as deciding, as some sort of bizarre celebration of being a team for almost 10 years, to release a greatest hits album. No seriously, that happened:

Most people would struggle to believe that this really existed.

To put into perspective how stupid this idea was, notice the bottom right corner. "Rockin' the O-rena!". This is important, because the album was released in 1998. The building stopped being called the O-rena in 1999.

Back on point, at the ripe age of 13 years old, I received this CD as a gift for Christmas, and because you can't give Christmas gifts back to your grandmother because she knows how much you like the team even though even 13 year old you realizes this gift sucks, I put it in a box and never touched it.

I was in Orlando for Memorial Day weekend to visit with family and friends, and I stumbled across the box and the aforementioned album. I brought it back up to Maryland with me out of a kind of morbid curiousity. I've listened to it all the way through now exactly once. I will be writing the remainder of this post as I listen to it for the second time, providing in depth analysis of just how inhumanely bad an album can be.

Track 1: Opening Montage by the Alphabet City Allstars feat. Paul Porter and Micheal Buffer(1:43)

00:00 - Right off the bat, why the hell are Micheal Buffer and Paul Porter on this CD? I haven't even started listening to it yet, and already I'm angry.

00:05 - Ok, so apparently Porter's contribution to this CD is to do his typical Magic intro speech while standing inside a freezer while they play studio produced "exciting music". Nothing but empty echo. I already hate this, and I know it's going to take forever because I have to pause the CD to write this stuff down.

00:20 - Ok, now we've shifted to the same studio music with audio from "historic Magic moments" circa '97. They just did Nick's steal in the conference semis. There's also someone saying "Unbelievable" after each one, and it's really goddamn annoying.

00:31 - "Orlando Magic Fans: LEEEEETTTTT'SSSSSSSS GEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTT REAAAAAAADYYYYYY TOOOOOO RUMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEE! Now when do I get paid?" - Micheal Buffer.

01:06 - Back to back audio clips of Shaq bringing those two goals down, played as though it was two people talking about the same thing, which is stupid. I only know it was separate events because I still remember one of the calls. And we're now up to 3 "Unbelievables".

01:37 - "Un-un-unbelievable". Wow. And no, Micheal Buffer didn't actually say that last sentence.

Nick(:10)

:10 - So I don't know if you guys knew this, but with the 11th pick of the 1989 NBA draft, the Magic took Nick Anderson from Illinois. I just realized that was 20 years ago, and that was definitely Stern making the call. I'm convinced he's a wizard, because he sounded like the walking dead even then, and he still sounds exactly the same.

What I Like About You - The Romantics(2:54)

01:00 - Amazingly, this is the actual song. There isn't much to say about it. I mean, you've probably heard "What I like about you" eleventy billion times, and tolerate it and bob your head to it without liking it all that much, which is about all the song deserves, though I'm guessing it'll be my favorite song in the world by the time I'm done with this.

02:21 - The part in the song where the guy starts whispering is a bit annoying.

02:45 - I like the brrrrrrrbbbbbbb noise he makes near the end. Hurray.

The First Win(:34)

00:12 - I really like that they list the artist on this track as "Magic defeat the Pistons". This is the audio of the Magic's first win, even though I'm pretty sure this was a preseason game, so it hardly counts.

00:30 - The announcer says that it was the first pro basketball game in the history of Central Florida. That seems like a reach. If someone offered someone else 10 bucks to hustle someone in 1985, isn't he technically professionally playing? Someone should answer this.

Do You Believe In Magic - The Lovin' Spoonful(1:59)

00:00 - I absolutely hate this song

00:48 - Still hate it.

01:05 - "Come along with me. We'll dance until morning, til it's just you and me" These lyrics suck and have nothing to do with basketball. They couldn't have chose it for any more obviously pun based reasons, and for that I'm contractually bound to hate it EVEN more.

The Distributor(:19)

00:03 - Scott Skiles sets the single game assist record. Amazingly, nothing else happens in the remaining 16 seconds but crowd noise and an announcer. Why am I doing this again?

Rock and Roll pt 2 - Gary Glitter(2:42)

00:48 - Let it be known that the first big crowd participation "HEEEEEY!" is at 48 seconds.

01:34 - Isn't Gary Glitter in a Vietnamese prison or something? For pedophilia? Didn't I read that somewhere?

2:02 - I love the simulated clapping in the song. Lets crowds know when to clap. They can't be trusted with that on their own.

The 1992 Draft(0:33)

00:12 - They actually have the lottery drawing from that draft on here. Christ. When they announce the Hornets got the #2 pick, you actually hear someone yell "DOOH!" like a cartoon villain, and someone else say "Well...Orlando's got it". All that happens in 3 seconds. Who thought this should be on a CD?

00:27 - The announcement they took Shaq, which was a foregone conclusion since they'd basically said they'd do that as early as the night they got the pick.

Get Ready For This - 2 Unlimited(3:40)

00:00 - At 3:40, this is one of the longer tracks on the CD. Actually, I just realized the CD is less than 50 minutes long, and there are 25 tracks, so that might be obvious. It makes sense that it's longer though, since this was another actual song, albeit a terrible dance song.

00:32 - "Get down with the sound; house on the ground; freeze when I squeeze; drop to your knees" What the hell does any of that mean?

00:49 - It seems like his go-to rhyme is the phrase "mind your own biz", which he's already said twice for no real apparent reason.

01:21 - "Bustin' it loud; to the crowd; the age is twenty; I'm from the South;" I can't decide if I should be crediting his genius or helping him with his autism.

01:27 - Now a girl is singing, rather than a guy pseudo-rapping. Hearing her sing "mind your own biz" actually makes

02:06 - "I'M FEELING KIND OF BETTER; PUT ON A SWEATER" Wow. This has gone from being pathetically stupid to completely insane. This guy has all the street cred of a wet mop, and only slightly better rhyming skills.

02:11 - He just rhymed "outrageous" and "cages", which doesn't work on any goddamn level. And I just realized I have to sit through another minute and a half of this bullshit song.

02:45 - By far the best part of this song is the backing music which is pleasant if pretty basic. It sounds like something they'd play in an arena, which I guess is the point.

02:55 - The girl is singing again.

Penny for Webber(:25)

00:13 - I had forgotten how badly this trade got boo'ed at the time. I'd also forgotten we had to waste 3 future picks from the trade as well. So now the CD is actively making me angry.

Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf(4:10)

01:00 - This is just a pretty straight forward live recording of Magic Carpet Ride. Not really much to it, but it's already the best song on the CD by about 657,486 points out of a possible zero.

02:21 - The singer sounds drunk as hell on this track. It's now only 657,485 points better.

02:48 - Sweet guitar solo that's not on the studio recording. Awesome.

Penny Penny(:23)

00:20 - Apparently Penny hit a buzzer beating dunk against....The Bulls? They mentioned Kukoc, so I guess it would have to be. Nice, I guess. I have no idea when this occurred.

Hoop Life(Basketball remix) - The Alphabet City Allstars(2:45)

00:24 - This is a rap done over a sample of "Basketball". So far I can't make out a single damn word being said.

00:49 - Now they're just mentioning a bunch of random things that happened in NBA history, and name dropping random players.

00:59 - They just namedropped 'lil Penny of all things. That's pretty amazing.

01:57 - I'm glad that Rodman got a mention before Dr. J. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Horace Signs(:37)

00:15 - I loved Horace Grant as much as the next guy, but it says something about your team when one of the biggest moments in your team's history after 10 years is signing a free agent who averaged 12 and 10.

Mony Mony - Tommy James and the Shondells(3:16)

00:26 - I guess it was easier to get the rights to the original than the Billy Idol version, which is the one that actually gets played at sporting events?

00:35 - I can't believe I'm saying this, but this singer's pronunciation of the song's lyrics is actually worse than Billy Idol's.

01:11 - I'm now convinced that the secret to your song becoming a sporting event staple is to have simulated clapping within the song. Or barking.

No Lady Luck(:26)

00:26 - This was round 1 of the 95 playoffs where we beat the Celtics to knock them out of the first round. It was the last game in the old Boston Garden. That's pretty much all this is. Just the audio of the end of that game.

The House is Rockin' - Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble(2:18)

00:11 - I love me some Stevie Ray.

02:00 - THE HOUSE IS ROCKIN', DON'T BOTHER COME ON IN!!!! I think I might be losing my mind. Also, my left eye is starting to twitch. I'm wondering if I should be concerned.

The Steal(:29)

00:13 - Nick Anderson steals the ball from the GOAT in the East semi finals, Penny gets it, drives, passes to Horace who dunks it home. Magic win. It was kind of a big deal to Magic fans.

What's Up? - DJ Mike(5:11)

00:04 - I just realized what this is. Remember that song from the early 90s "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes? You know: the one that combined indie feminist folk music, grunge, and yodelling into a giant mess of suck?

This is that, with the vocals slowed down and a throbbing dance beat behind it. Not even a good dance beat. The kind of beat a 10 year old could come up with in protools in 5 minutes. This is awful. They took something terrible and made it infinitely worse.

01:54 - They slowed down the lyrics, and I still can't tell what that line is. It sounds like: "And I fly some dimes when I lie in my head" which is either retarded, brilliant, or not remotely what's actually being sung. And I just realized I have 3 more minutes of this garbage.

03:17 - She prays for a revolution. And I can't believe there are people who would actually choose to produce music like this. For that matter, does anyone actually LIKE this? If you said yes, my only question, Mr. Kaczynski, is what are you doing out of jail?

04:37 - We just had about 15 seconds of nothing but a bass beat. I hate this. And I have 6 more tracks to get through.

Going to the Finals(:39)

00:39 - Again, just an audio clip from a game broadcast of Game 7 of the 95 Eastern Conference Finals. It's actually pretty passionless, since Orlando beat the Pacers up, down and sideways in that game, making the final call at the end of the game overdue by about 20 minutes. I was at that game though, so it's still awesome.

It's Time To Play - Gettings Productions(3:33)

00:00 - I haven't the slightest idea who Gettings Productions is.

00:16 - This sounds like it was sung by the guy who is in the opening for Chappelle's show playing harmonica and singing.

00:45 - Wow, that was like 12 Bible references in 8 seconds. He specifically mentioned David and Goliath, Sampson, Daniel, Jonah, and I think I heard him mention Joseph as well. Wow. And this song actually IS about basketball.

01:45 - OH SWEET GOD! If I'm understanding the lyrics that were just sung, a surgeon just left a patient to die on the table in an ER because someone handed him Magic tickets and he didn't want to be late for the game.Why would the Magic put that on a CD? WHO WROTE THIS?

01:58 - "We're heading to the playoffs, we mean business today: it's time to play"
That line is repeated over and over, at least 20 times.

02:47 - And now it's broken down into a gospel song? Wow.

3 for All(:11)

00:11 - Dennis Scott held the single game 3pt record. He doesn't anymore. This is the recording of the 11th, which was the record at the time.

It's Magic - Pilot(3:01)

00:17 - "Oh oh oh it's magic...you know? Never believe it's not so" Yep, it's that song. Can you name another line from the song? Neither can I.

01:43 - Now I know why I don't know a single other line. This whole song is completely non-descript. It's just dull as anything. It's better than Time to play or that godawful what's up remix, but that doesn't make it good.

It's Good(:11)

00:11 - Dennis Scott hits a buzzer beater, and once again I have no idea who it was against. But I'm excited, because I just realized I only have one song left to do on this damn project.

Orlando Magic Theme Song - Gettings Productions(4:17)

00:00 - Anyone who went to a Magic game in the first 8 years of the team's existence knows this song. It's so horribly dated and ridiculous, I almost wish I'd just blown off this whole post and done a write up of just that song. We'll see how this goes.

00:04 - Opens with the sound of a basketball being slowly dribbled in an empty arena and shoes squeeking on the court. I love it already. Welcome back, Steak's childhood. I've missed you. I can already tell this song is getting the biggest write up, which makes sense since I'm guessing this CD was an excuse to sell this song to people.

00:17 - Here come the Latin drums!

00:31 - Who is it that's singing this? He sounds like he's singing through the world's worst megaphone.

00:56 - "Abracadabra, razamataz. Slamdunk sesame. Hocus Pocus alakazam: Gonna set the spirit free!"
Not only does that line not make any goddamn sense, but he used 5 different Magic toss-ins We get it: they're called the Magic. CHRIST.

01:03 - These backup singers couldn't care less. It's kind of funny.

01:20 - The main singer ended the chorus with "Gonna getchya!" followed by 3 drum beats. The gonna getchya part is hard to describe, but I'll try: You know the parts in 1979 by the Smashing Pumpkins when Billy Corgan tries and fails miserably to hit the high notes in the chorus, and his voice gets gratingly screechy and high pitched? Imagine if Corgan tried to get the same screetchiness while singing as low pitch as possible. That's what it sounds like.

01:37 - "Shazam! You're history!"

02:20 - What the hell? What year was this song made? We just had a complete congo freak out.

02:37 - Is Gettings Productions actually a Miami Sound Machine cover band? This sounds like 12  of percussion players and about 19 electric pianos. Now we have a chorus of men singing: "Orlando....Orlando Magic" This is ridiclous.

03:30 - It's still going! I'm in awe. Can we get Gettings Productions to play this at a game? Just by listening to this, I can already tell you they're not busy.

03:41 - "Orlando Magic evveerrrryyyyyywhhhhhheeeeerrrrrreeeee".
That doesn't make much sense. I'd think the Orlando Magic would only be in Orlando.

03:58 - "You better beware; you'd best beware: we're coming atcha! ORRRLAANDOO MAGIC!"
It's amazing that this guy manages to growl even the team's name. I'll credit him for consistency if nothing else.

04:17 - Screw it. That's the greatest song ever written, if for no other reason than it means I'm done with this.

Right now, I smell the sweet smell of butter biscuits. Given that I've been sitting here writing this for the last hour, that either means my roommate is baking biscuits in the oven downstairs, or I'm having a stroke. Could go either way to be honest..

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